Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Thanksgiving Dinner Rules

Thanks to Monica Mingo for sharing this.
Print and give a copy to each guest that enters your home.


1. Don't get in line asking  questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are  the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the  macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it?  Ask one more  question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so  you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you can't walk or are  missing any limbs, sit your ass down until someone makes your plate for you.  Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them damn  pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.

3. If you have kids under the age  of twelve, I will escort the little moochers to the basement and bring their  food down to them. They are not gonna tear my damn house up this year. Tell  them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to  start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come  upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will  break a foot off in their asses!

4. There is going to be one prayer  for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that  your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got  out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a damn. The time limit for  the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is  up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be  swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

5. Finish everything on your plate  before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked  to stay your greedy ass home next year!

6. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!!  Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing  damn well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring  anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or there will be a  “misunderstanding”.

7. What you came with is what you  should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to  you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING IN AND LEAVING MY  PROPERTY!!!

8. Do not leave your kids so you  can go hopping from house to house. This is NOT a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll  call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll  call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After  24 hours, I will call DSS on your ignorant ass!!

9. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU  COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come  and eat dinner and take your ass home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS  THE HELL OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15
minute warning bell ring.

10. Last but not least! ONE PLATE  PER PERSON!!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family  until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the  appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a  cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy ass family,  we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being  accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

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